she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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