If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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