i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
