I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
you traded sex for a burrito?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
