It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
