I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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