I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
