Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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