I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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