I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
