I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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