i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
