and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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