You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
