I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
