So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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