Why are handjobs necessary in class?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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