I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
