just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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