Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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