i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
