She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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