i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
