Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize