She swung at the pinata with crutches
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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