Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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