Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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