Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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