her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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