thus making me awesome and them whores
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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