I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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