I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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