i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
