Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
