Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Randomize
