Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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