I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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