my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
