i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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