I got her a Nickelback box set.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
