I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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