im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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