Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
