glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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