i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
