no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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