even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
