remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
