I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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