I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
tonight lets celebrate not being married
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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