I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
It's like God shit irony all over that family
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
