I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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