I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize