It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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