My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
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