Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Randomize
