i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
