I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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