connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
