I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
